Making a Clear Request

Have you ever had to repeat a request because the person misunderstood you? Of course – we all have. Usually, when we ask people to do things, we use highly socialized forms; sometimes, we ask in a vague, general or overly polite way. Often it works just fine; people are generally in tune with the goal or are socialized and cooperative. Sometimes you can get away with being unclear when you have a strong relationship or the situation isn’t critical. However, during an urgent situation, or when you are dealing with people who are under stress, especially if they have underlying cognitive issues, you need to be very clear.

First, eliminate unnecessary words. Using too many words increases miscommunication – or prevents communication altogether. If you say 20 words, you run the risk of the person not hearing any of your words. If you can use 4 or 5 words, you have a much better chance of being heard – and understood.

Using too many words also makes it likely that you will say something unhelpful or detrimental to your message – such as “Would you, could you, will you, won’t you, if you don’t mind, if you have a minute…” All of these imply a choice where there might be none, or muddy the waters about your intent.  People also add other words that either confuse or change the meaning, such as “I need you to…” or “You have to…”

Second, you should always be respectful and polite. Turning a request into a command doesn’t increase success; just resistance. The best way to show this is to simply say “Please…” when you make a request.
There are three elements of a clear request.

1. Positive. Ask people to DO something, not to STOP doing something. If someone is doing something you don’t want him to do, and you tell him to stop, you are depending upon him to correctly choose an alternative behavior that is acceptable to you. Frankly, many people are not that good at guessing what you want. They might pick something else just as unwanted. Choose an alternative acceptable behavior, and ask for that.
2. Directed. Make sure the other person knows you are talking to him. Either make eye contact or say his name. Unfortunately, even under stressful conditions, many of us make overhead requests, such as “The door needs to be shut,” or “The chairs have to go against the wall.” If someone is being resistive, this gives an almost reasonable opportunity to resist, and if the person is simply under stress, he might completely miss the hidden request.
3. Observable. Make sure you can see or hear the person cooperate with your request. Avoid saying things such as “Grow up,” “Behave,” “Show some self-respect,” or “Get a grip.” If you use these requests, no one will know if your request has been accomplished. Instead, say things such as “Please lower your voice,” “Please come with me,” or “Please step out of my office.” Making a short, clear, concise request will reduce the number of accidental – and purposeful – misunderstandings.

Two additional points:

1. If you are going to make a request, make sure it happens. If you care so little about getting it done that you will say it and walk away, don’t say it. If it matters, and you suspect resistance, maybe you should stick around.
2. We make too many requests. Many of our encounters with others include demands. Instead, include times when you don’t ask for things, but simply are present. Imagine what it is like to be around someone who wants something from you at every encounter. Perhaps unintentionally, they are always applying pressure and creating stress. No wonder some people become chronically resistive. Instead, create opportunities for positive, or at least neutral, encounters. This helps people connect with you, and perceive you as more than just additional stress.